Moving On Ceremony....In Naperville schools, the kids celebrate graduating from 8th grade and going into high school with a "Moving On" ceremony at school. Well I guess I can say that I am celebrating my "Moving On" day today. I have graduated from the Mastectomy Doctors to the Oncology Doctors. The kids celebrate with parties. I am older and wiser now and have decided that this day needs some reflection. So I hope none of you mind, I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you. Maybe this should be titled: "Dear Diary". Hold on to a few kleenex....
My mom taught her children that "It is more blessed to give than to receive". That is how I modeled my life through my good catholic upbringing, . I was never comfortable receiving compliments, gifts, etc. I only felt fulfilled to give of myself to others, help on mission trips, share with whatever I could...that is how all my sisters and brothers lived their lives. I witnessed that catholic guilt if something good came my way that I didn't deserve. We will get back to this thought..........
I have experienced an intense need to be by a loved one's side when they had a tragic accident, loss, illness and heartbreak. I needed to be right there beside them no matter how far I had to travel. I HAD to see them physically, to touch their hand, to see their face, to make them know that they made my life better. Well, this past month, I have a new insight as to how it feels to be on the other end of that experience. My awareness level is off the charts with how to receive that love. I have been way out of my comfort zone and have had to learn to accept love in a way that I have never fully experienced in my whole life. I believe it is more important at certain times in your life that "It is more blessed to receive graciously than to give". My heart and mind has opened up to a new level of the meaning of LOVE. MY heart and soul is sooo much larger bringing "your gift of love" into it than it is in "giving of myself". Does that make sense? Maybe the giving was getting too much routine that it was diminished. I don't know. But, what I do know, is that I can finally accept all the love that is coming my way from all corners (Japan, Ireland, China, Florida, California, Phoenix, New York, Kentucky, Virginia, Massachusetts) without guilt. Thank you Peg, Kathy and Colleen for coming from a distance to be by my side. I can actually say that all this reflection started the day of the Prayer Meeting and how it was such a sacred event in my life. I have finally given myself permission to accept compliments, kindness, assistance, dinners and yes gifts. I AM A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. And like I said, there are no words to explain how I feel, but maybe a little window into how I feel and graciously accept all that you have done for me this past month and to come. My family and friends are just sooo amazing and I am one lucky person to have been part of your lives.
It must be my hormones....OK now to the lighter side...
I met with Dr. Song and Dr. Jaskowiak this morning. I had three drains removed by Dr. Song and I am now free and clear to sleep on my side and get a good shower in. As for Dr. J...she explained all my test results and made a point to tell me that I am not finished with her and that we will have at least a 5 year relationship. I thanked her for "personally" making the phone call to me to give me the results and I swear there was a tear in her eye and I started to cry. Going to University of Chicago has been one of the best decisions in my life and I am thankful to Teri, Debbie and Suzanne for making this possible. We got this breast cancer early and I am considered a Stage 1. The future treatment is unknown at this point. I have a few oncologists that I need to talk to but have no definite appointments yet but plan on wrapping those appointments up by year-end. Remember to listen to your body for any kinds of signals. I know I have gotten three people into their doctors office that have not wanted to go for a few years.
So for today it is MY "Moving On" day and will celebrate with a glass of wine and some great dinner some one dropped by while I was napping. Thank you for all those prayers and wonderful messages.
I LOVE YOU.
Joanie
Joanie,
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful. SO many of us are walking around with a belief system that makes us feel like we MUST he there to help - be there to comfort - be there to save the day - be there at any cost. The best part of it is that we don't ever miss the moments when we're really needed there. The worst part of it is we don't give ourselves permission to BE ENOUGH.
It sounds like you have spent so many years of your life with a pattern inside you - a pattern that has you validating your own worth by how much you can support another. The Catholic guilt is a pretty powerful thing to put down, right?
I'm so thrilled to hear of the support you've received... and HOW you've received it in your heart. When we believe we're not enough, we act out in ways to prove to the world we are, like providing, protecting, fighting, caring, loving, and supporting... but sometimes it's for everyone BUT ourselves.
You giving yourself permission to receive is gorgeous, Joanie. Your place in the world finally feels right, doesn't it? We recognize you. We see you. You're worth something to us. You're worth it. You, just as you are, are enough.
Don't ever forget that.
Have an amazing night, and good luck with your Oncologist. I can make some calls in the Advocate / Resurrection Healthcare network if you like.
Peace, Love, and Health to you,
Blake
Mom used to tell us that being great at receiving was just as important as giving. She taught us to accept compliments with "thank you" instead of brushing them off, that thank yous should be specific, and that you'd know whether you said thank you well enough if the person thanked you for your thank you! I'm glad you had the chance to have some of the love you share returned to you. Thank you for telling us all your story. Love you
ReplyDeleteIn fact, you are still giving even in spite of yourself! Getting your friends to the doctors could be the gift of life. As well as that, you are sharing your journey with us which is quite a special gift indeed.
ReplyDeleteHappy graduation! Would love to be there sharing a glass of wine and a laugh with you. I'll toast you from here instead.
Much love to you, Aimee xx